Remember the talks of being with the "boy of my dreams"? -- So much for those thoughts...

I've been really bad about updating due to losing the ability to use my iPhone and it being completely wiped clean...

Okay, so it pretty much all starts out with how I got back with someone who had completely used and abused me a year prior... That just screams "BAD IDEA" doesn't it? But this person wanted to prove they had changed... So for the first while it was working and even in April I occasionally got vibes that it was a bad idea... hence the one post I had made in April stating that it felt like he didn't want me around... Yeah...

Well, things hit the fan for him so I decided to take initiative and ask him to move in with me in Peoria. It was getting much too costly to have to drive an hour and a half nearly every night to go visit and I really hated having to wait every-so-often to see him so I decided it would be easier this way -- wrong but, I'll explain that after I'm finished explaining everything else. My 21st birthday came around and we had a huge 21st bday party for me at my friend Katrina's house. He got really angry about something stupid, that I have other friends and especially other gay friends? Okay -- wtf, get over it. So I wound up sending most of my 21st birthday party which I paid for almost all the booze for and party foods for CRYING. Yay. (Oh yes, there's much more)

He then 2 weeks later, at the same friends house, got really angry about SOMETHING (no clue what) and PUNCHED me in the face. Fractured my nose, busted my lips, and bruised up the left side of my face... And I still had to work, so I grew a goatee to try to hide the bruising. Everyone noticed. I bled everywhere. It was awful....

Shit began to just FALL-APART. We'll just put it this way... it ended around late June. I couldn't do it anymore... however, he was still around at my house so I continued to drink and drink A LOT. So in July, I was at the wrong place at the wrong time and got a DUI. (FUCK)

(and yes, I'm semi-intoxicated so forgive me if I'm vague on details.)

He decides he wants to be there for me after I receive my DUI, my anxiety is beyond repair and actually taking toll's on my health -- so I accepted like a moron... I was placed on Xanax... I am required to take it four times daily due to how severe of a reaction I will have... it's as if I have a NON-STOP anxiety attack that never CEASES. It's ridiculous....

He broke it off with me a week and a half later after promising to be there and not ever hurting me anymore... Left me crushed, abandoned, afraid, and alone...

So here I sit, several months later trying to fix everything... trying... I'm getting very weak (emotionally, and physically) with trying to fix everything now... And I'm beginning to stop caring about almost anything...and everything...


Long story short... I'm single now and even more depressed and fucked over than I was before... any suggestions?